Wednesday, December 30, 2009

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: 'Yes sir, we do!

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?

A: 'Yes sir, I do.

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: 'Yes sir.

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Time-lapse video of the Northern Lights Boing Boing


Time-lapse video of the Northern Lights Boing Boing

Kim Peek, Inspiration for ‘Rain Man,’ Dies at 58 - Obituary (Obit) - NYTimes.com


Kim Peek, Inspiration for ‘Rain Man,’ Dies at 58 - Obituary (Obit) - NYTimes.com

Saturday, November 28, 2009

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**e**x a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .


Friday, November 27, 2009


AMPATUAN MASSACRE: From the time he gave himself up in Shariff Aguak to the time he landed in Villamor Airbase, massacre suspect Andal Ampatuan Jr. was never in handcuffs. The special treatment begins! Kung ordinary citizen si Jr, may kasamang sampal at tadyak pa yan from the relatives of the victims and covered live over ABS-CBN.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Justice for the Victims of the Ampatuan Massacre!


Ampatuan charged with multiple murder


Welcome news! Let's see where this will lead to. With Jr Ampatuan in custody, expect every Juan, Kulas, and Kulaspiro fence-sitters to come out of the woodwork to say their inane pieces. I just pray that the Filipino people will not get lost and confused by all the incoming chatter and forget what this is all about: 57 (and counting) people massacred by the Ampatuans! Oh yes, I forgot to mention that Sr Ampatuan is still free to manipulate things and pull strings to get his Jr free. Me thinks that the Sr is more astute and clever than the Jr! Watch out people!

They even buried the vehicles!


GMA and her Palace hacks have their work cut out for them. How on earth can they spin the Ampatuan Massacre in way that the Ampatuans are not involved in this carnage? Nothing happens in Maguindanao without their knowledge and approval. The Filipino people will not settle for a few minor scapegoats and sacrificial lambs. We demand the head of no less than Zaldy Ampatuan Jr.

The Ampatuan Massacre

News and developments of the Ampatuan Massacre gets worse everyday. The last count was 57, I think. And it was not just the killing, which is bad enough, but the mutilation, the rape, the torture. Lila de Lima was correct when she called them animals. On second thought, my apologies to animals because they kill for a legitimate reason.



In the photo are GMA and the Ampatuans praying for divine guidance on how to properly and effectively cover up for the Ampatuan Massacre.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Professional Heckler

CNN has named Efren Peñaflorida of the Philippines Hero of the Year. Already a top 10 finalist, Efren was shocked when CNN anchor Anderson Cooper declared him the winner. And he was shocked even more when, while accepting the award, Chavit Singson went on stage and stood beside him.

Beware of the Effects of Beer!


Randy has broken his leg and his buddy Mike comes over to see him. Mike says, "How you doin?" 

"Randy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Randy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it." 

Mike shouts downstairs, "Randy, both of em?"

Randy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

Monday, November 23, 2009

PINOY MATH


A woman says to her mother: 'I'm divorcing Pedro... all  he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.' 

Mother responds:  'You're married to a millionaire  lawyer ...you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Ayala Alabang, you drive a Mercedes 300SEL; you get P20,000 a week allowance; you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?'

Mother knows best.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...
... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

In the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, the sharing should be AT LEAST 60-40 in favor of Manny. The catch-weight should be at 145, nothing heavier. Let Mayweather sweat and work for his money. He brings nothing to the table except his big mouth. Oh yes, and that of his father.

Marcos entry prompts Left to review alliance with NP

Satur Ocampo was imprisoned and tortured during the Martial Law regime of Marcos. He was released and politically rehabilitated after the EDSA Revolution led by Cory Aquino. Now, for political expediency, he's thinking of forming a "tactical alliance" with Bongbong Marcos, the son of the dictator who imprisoned and tortured him and shunned the offered alliance by Noynoy "Aquino, the son of the person responsible for his rehabilitation. Why? Marcos (and his NP ally Villar) have oodles of money, something Aquino and the LP don't have. Strange brew indeed - NP - KBL - NDF!

Saturday, November 21, 2009


The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Please see photo for correct installation.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Oxford Word of the Year 2009

Oxford Word of the Year 2009: UNFRIEND

UNFRIEND – verb – To remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.

 
As in, “I decided to unfriend my roommate on Facebook after we had a fight.”

Light Bites

Light Bites: From Somewhere
Manny Pacquiao: Pacman
Mommy Dionisia: Pacmom
Krista Ranillo: Pacbet (Pambansang Ka__)

KRISTIE KENNEY bids farewell. She will be missed for the simple humanity and sympathetic energy with which she changed our expectations of what a US Ambassador can be. From "The Ugly American" to "An American Beauty". She has done both our nations proud. As America is in the heart, Kristie Kenney is from the heart of America! (And anyway, millions of Fil-Ams will welcome you Home!): Re-posted from Dean Jorge Bocobo's FB page. Sorry Dean but I couldn't have said it better!

Tony Abaya's Blog

Yikes! Tony Abaya's blog looks a lot like mine. Of course, the similarity ends there. His is way much better than my amateurish blog of mostly re-posts and commentaries of browsed pages. But it's flattering to see we have similar tastes...

KRISTA RANILLO: Knockout!!!


This has nothing to do with the Pacman; it's all about Krista! Warning: If your a prude, don't click on the link!

She must be making a bundle with her new-found fame (or notoriety!).

Happy Thanksgiving!

The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
 

"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

The Moral Imperative Facing Noynoy Aquino


This blog of Ding Gagelonia includes an in depth chronology of the saga of Hacienda Luisita, from 1956 to September 3, 2005. Read the facts, digest, and synthesize before you pass judgment. Frankly, the HL issue is the only thing holding me back from completely supporting Noynoy's candidacy.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Homos and Hetros


“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” 
 ~ Lynn Lavner, an American comedian and musician from Brooklyn, New York. Much of her material is based around the facts that she is Jewish and a lesbian She is frequently billed as "America's Most Politically Incorrect Entertainer."

Hillary's Crush!


Hillary Clinton has unabashedly admitted she had a "crush" on Britain's youthful-looking, 44-year-old foreign minister David Miliband. Yes, he's definitely much younger than Lolo Bill!

Rotary Zone Institute Manila 2009


I'm attending the Rotary Zone Institute 2009 at the Dusit Thani Hotel, Makati City. It'll be a good time to renew friendships with Rotarians from other Philippine districts as well as from other countries like Taiwan, Thailand, Hong Kong, Singapore, Indonesia, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. Expected to attend are delegates from Rotary Zones 6B, 7A and 10B.

RISA for Senator!


Yup! I'm openly campaigning for RISA HONTIVEROS BARAQUEL for Senator. Hey, that's only 1 of 12 choices. I'm sure you'll find a way to include her in your list.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Whose election frame will dominate?

This Business Mirror article written by Manuel Buencamino clearly demonstrates that patronage politics still play a major influence on the electorate. Asked why they will vote for a candidate for president, 38% cited patronage politics-related reasons. Ever alert to the nuances of this survey, the hatchet men of moneyed candidates are busy preparing black propaganda issues against their boss's opponents.

INMATE SUES HIMSELF FOR $5 MILLION

An inmate who claimed he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself - then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail.

Robert Lee Brock, a prisoner at the Indian Creek Correctional Center in Chesapeake, filed a handwritten, seven-page lawsuit last month in federal court."I partook of alcoholic beverages in 1993, July 1st, as a result I caused myself to violate my religious beliefs. This was done by my going out and getting arrested," wrote Brock, who is serving 23 years for breaking and entering and grand larceny.

"I want to pay myself 5 million dollars," he continued, "but ask the state to pay it in my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state."

Judge Rebecca Beach Smith was unimpressed by Brock's ingenuity.

She dismissed the lawsuit Thursday as frivolous.

"Plaintiff has presented an innovative approach to civil rights litigation," Smith wrote. "However, his claim and especially the relief sought are totally ludicrous.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

2012


LEFT vs RIGHT

A concept-map exploring the Left vs Right political spectrum.

Taint of Corruption Is No Barrier to U.S. Visa for Millionaire

This is another classic example of the double standard of the US government - spouting holier-than-thou slogans about good governance and human rights while openly violating these principles when it suits them. W Bush brought this duplicity to a new level of arrogance. Let's see what Obama does.

Militant solons, farmer groups intend to keep memories of Hacienda Luisita massacre alive

Manny Villar must be salivating at the prospect of a "tactical alliance" with left wing politicians like Satur Ocampo and Liza Maza. Fiery statements from this group indicate that they intend to keep the "memories of the Hacienda Luisita massacre alive." That's indeed a very damning issue against Noynoy Aquino.

Villar, with his deep pockets, can now buy high-caliber politicians to campaign for him and endorse him to left-leaning sectors of the electorate with a  pleasant bonus  - a legitimate issue against Noynoy! Such are the vagaries of Philippine politics where money can buy just about anything, including formerly principled and idealistic people, even whole movements!

This also gives a whole new meaning and perspective to "tactical alliance."

I'm happy classes have resumed. This should keep me busy and mentally alert. But this means less time for my current passions - FB and blogging. 

My Saturdays will also be consumed by my EdD classes at MSEUF. I have to travel to Lucena City (2 hours one way, so total 4 hours traveling time) to attend 3 hours of classes. Whoa! travel time is longer than my classes! But gotta bite the bullet if I really want to be a full-fledged doctor of education.

Hahaha! Still struggling with that endless paper chase even at age 55!

Monday, November 16, 2009

RINGSIDE!


I thought I saw my favorite FIRST SON Mikey Arroyo at ringside (as in RINGSIDE! as in the first row!) I could be wrong, of course, but maybe it was one of his wedding presents.
Hey, did you notice how young the ubiquitous (he was all over the ring!) Chavit Singson looked? You can damn him all you like about basking in M...anny's glory but he looked young and ready for his next paramour, di ba. Is this an advertisement for Dra. Belo or what?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

QUOTES FROM GROUCHO MARX

Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is,... I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Professional Heckler

The Professional Heckler
New Pol Ad
Have you seen Sen. Noynoy Aquino’s music video titled “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa?” Well, Sen. Manny Villar is coming out with his own music video titled, “Hindi Ka Nagdodoble.”

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The sun was out the whole day; power was retored about 5pm; people flocked to the memorial park and municipal cemetery to spruce the tombs of their dearly departeds; the weather forecast seems to be favorable. It's all systems GO for Undas 2009!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Philippine Commentary: Banking on stupidity and forgetfulness

Philippine Commentary: Banking on stupidity and forgetfulness

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.—George W. Bush, Washington, DC, March 31, 2001

I ENVY MY BROTHER KEVIN

I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night.

He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.

He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?

Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and- cheese for dinner, and later to bed.

The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.

He does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.

He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.

And Saturdays - oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go!' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.

His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.

He doesn't know what it means to be discontent.

His life is simple.

He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.

His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.

He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax.

He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.

He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.

Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.

It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.

And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.

Kevin won't be surprised at all!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Geek Quotes

1f u c4n r34d th1s 
u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

Nowhere Man on Kalimba - CollegeHumor video

Nowhere Man on Kalimba - CollegeHumor video

Research tools: information in depth | The Economist | Economist.com

Research tools: information in depth | The Economist | Economist.com

Since we're all blogging, we might as well read these tips.

The Playwright Tavern: Bear bar | The Economist

The Playwright Tavern: Bear bar | The Economist

The Playwright, 75 metres from the bank’s front door, was a time-honoured gathering place for Lehman’s employees. Its restaurant was often completely full at lunch, and after five o’clock the bar would crowd to capacity.

The Professional Heckler

The Professional Heckler

"Yet another awkward thing happened at the reception. When relatives of the groom conducted a survey and asked guests if they wanted the couple to have a baby before the elections, 30 percent chose YES while 10 percent chose NO. The remaining 60 percent chose Noynoy Aquino!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

WHY ENGLISH DRIVES ME CRAZY!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop?

THE BEAUTY OF MATH

THE BEAUTY OF MATH

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321

Now, take a look at this...

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

TAMING A LION!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, middle-aged guy in blue & white, likely in his late fifties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body. 



The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.


The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to Mr. Blue and While and asks, "Can you top that?"



The tough old ealge replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way!

The Professional Heckler

NOPE TO THE DOPE!


NOPE TO THE DOPE!

Monday, October 26, 2009

QUESTIONS TEACHERS ASK

From the blog of Isagani Cruz

Questions Teachers Ask

Every time I give a lecture to a large group, I give my cellphone number and ask the audience to text me their questions as I talk. That way, I incorporate the open forum into the lecture itself, as I periodically read out the questions from my cellphone and answer them.

Here are some interesting questions asked by the teachers, with my comments. Of course, I have translated the text language into non-cellphone English.

Q: Sir, comment on this: The best English teachers should be placed in the primary years rather than in the intermediate years, so as to establish a strong sense of language.

A: Absolutely, and not only because of language but because of teaching skills. The better the teacher, the younger the students should be. Similarly, in universities, the top professors should teach first-year students or repeaters. The moment I became the highest-ranked professor at De La Salle University, I volunteered to teach the basketball players.

Q: What is more important, fluency or comprehension?

A: I would rather have someone who understands what is going on, rather than one who talks without understanding.

Q: How about if you are handling six sections with 100 students? You don’t sleep anymore or you don’t check their writing ability.

A: Clearly, there is something wrong with having 100 students in one class, but since the government is in denial mode about this common occurrence, we can only hope that the problem will be recognized in order that it can be solved. As far as checking the written work of students is concerned, however, read educational theory about the teaching of writing: all students should write every day, but teachers need not read everything students write.

Q: Can we give our students in high school the very controversial DA VINCI CODE for their book report? What is the DepEd stand about this?

A: I don’t know what DepEd thinks about the book, but I certainly would not require it for high school students. It is, first of all, badly written (and therefore should not be taught as literature), and secondly, misleading to those who cannot distinguish between fact and fiction (and high school students, being very young, are not expected to be mature).

Q: In reading a literary piece, which usually takes place first – understanding before appreciation or appreciation before understanding?

A: Unlike other arts, literature needs to be understood before it can be appreciated. For other arts, such as music or painting, you may be able to appreciate or enjoy a piece without necessarily understanding it.

Q: Can we use the Bible?

A: Since the Constitution separates the Church (any church) from the State, we cannot teach the Bible in order to convert students to the Jewish or Christian faiths, but we can certainly teach it as a literary masterpiece, which is what it is. Similarly, we should teach the Q’uran or Koran as a literary masterpiece, which it also is. But since there may be strong religious sentiments on your part or on the part of the students, you must be extra careful in teaching such religious texts. (I was speaking to public, not private school teachers.)

Q: How about mobilizing parents to train them to teach basic reading?

A: Correct me it I am wrong, but I am sorry to say that most parents are less literate than their children. It would be a case of the blind leading the blind (apologies to the visually challenged).

Q: What shall we do with a principal who, after observing a teacher, insists on what she wants a teacher to do, unmindful of the good things the teacher has done, as if she knows everything and the teacher knows nothing?

A: Fire the principal.

Q: What really is indicated in the law? 6 hours teaching load exclusive of lesson planning and checking of papers, or 6 hours inclusive of both?

A: I am not a lawyer and do not know what RA 4670 (The Magna Carta for Public School Teachers) says. You have to ask my namesake (the one who wrote the famous “Don We Now Our Gay Apparel” column), who knows the law inside out. All I can say is that no one is expected to work more than 40 hours a week. If you are working more than that, your human rights are being violated, unless you are paid for overtime.

Q: Do you agree with the grading system as ordered by DepEd?

A: Whether I agree or not is irrelevant. Every grading system is arbitrary and conventional.

Q: A lesson plan is a guide and gives direction to teachers. Many teachers will be at a loss if there were no lesson plans at all. We can have unified or prototype lesson plans or a weekly syllabus for a guide.

A: The acknowledged best teachers of all time – Socrates, Confucius, Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad – had no lesson plans. If we are benchmarking, surely we should benchmark with the best. The first thing I would do if I were, by some miracle, appointed DepEd Secretary would be to abolish lesson plans for those teaching five years or more. (This always gets loud cheers from my audience.)

Q: Sir, may we know your second plan if you become DepEd secretary?

A: I would tender my resignation, before I get fired for liberating teachers from senseless work.

Q: Is it okay for a teacher to talk in Taglish [code-switching between Tagalog and English] in order to be understood by students?

A: No. Students can always understand straight Filipino (or Cebuano or Ilocano or Tagalog or whatever) or straight English even if they can speak only in Taglish. There is no excuse whatsoever for teachers speaking Taglish in the classroom, because teachers are role models of language use. The key to being understood as an English speaker is to use the proper register (or type) of English. If you use only the most common 1,000 words of English, you can be understood even by grade school students. (Self-advertisement: my Word of the Day section below uses mostly the 1,000 basic English words, as defined by international linguists.)

Q: What can you say about teachers assigned to handle a certain position or department who are not specialized in the said area? They are there only because the principal likes them. What can they give to or share with their subordinates if they themselves do not know anything about the area they are handling? This has something to do with management, right?

A: Fire the principal, along with the principal’s favorites.

Q: Every time our division achievement test is low, we are blamed by our supervisor and superintendent. Do we deserve to be blamed and not the students? I think there is also a student factor, most especially in public schools.

A: Fire the supervisor and the superintendent for not asking the obvious question, namely, is the test valid? But while you are at it, fire yourself, too. Any teacher who blames students for anything should not be in the classroom. Anything that happens in a classroom is the teacher’s fault.

Q: Why is it that almost all elementary school graduates have not mastered the four fundamental operations of mathematics, but they were able to graduate?

A: I would not say “almost all,” but we definitely have a problem. The idea of flunking students that cannot read, write, or add appears to be repulsive to many elementary school teachers. Maybe they just want to pass on the problem to high school teachers. Here is a radical idea: fire all teachers who do not flunk 10% of their students.

Q: Is the news I’ve heard true that the salaries of teachers would be raised this coming year by 50 percent?

A: Dream on.

Q: Is it right for an observer to butt in while the teaching process is ongoing?

A: Absolutely not! An observer observes. The teacher teaches.

Q: Why is it always the teacher factor that is blamed and not DepEd in terms of the number of students and lack of books?

A: Because Jesus taught thousands at a time and he did not use any textbook except the Old Testament, which he had memorized. It is about time that we get rid of the idea that teachers need textbooks to teach.

Q: What if we do our very best and still my students absorb nothing?

A: You, not the students, have a problem. You think that teaching means giving something to students that they can absorb. You should start thinking of teaching as learning from students. Then you and your students can start communicating. You might want to read up on the wrong method of teaching known as “the banking theory of education.” Bad teachers think that they should deposit something in students’ heads that can later be withdrawn during exams. Good teachers merely point the way to the bank.

Q: What can you say about teachers who pretend to be very good speakers of English? This, I guess, is one major reason why students become poor English speakers.

A: I agree completely. There are not too many Filipinos that can be considered “very good speakers of English,” and most of them are not teachers. Those that advocate changing the medium of instruction to English have obviously not recently been to any of our classrooms. If businesspersons think students can learn proper English in the classroom, they have another think coming.

Q: What if a student can read but he cannot comprehend? Can I consider him as a non-reader?

A: I can read a hundred languages, as long as they are in the Roman alphabet, but I cannot understand them. I mean that I can pronounce the words, because I can read the letters, but I obviously cannot understand whatever it is that I am pronouncing. Here is an example, which anyone can read – chabdemfloking – but no one can comprehend (because I just made up the word out of the letters of the alphabet from A to O, except for J). Reading without comprehension is like wearing a suit or a gown and going to bed: what’s the point of dressing up?

Q: I heard one teacher calling the English used in public schools as Carabao English. And one principal said we can use Carabao English if that’s the only way the pupils can understand the lesson. What is meant by Carabao English?

A: Carabao English is the English used by American President George Bush, who makes all kinds of pronunciation, grammar, and logic errors when he speaks. His English may be ridiculed by his fellow Americans, but when he speaks, everybody listens. As one of the country’s top educators says, there are Filipinos that speak in correct English but have nothing to say, and a lot more Filipinos that speak in broken English but have profound and exciting ideas.

Q: Do you think the quality of education will be uplifted if ChaCha [Charter Change] will push through?

A: The Department of Education has kept improving no matter what the government has been like. Look at what we were able to accomplish during martial law, after the two EDSAs, and even now that the economy is doing so badly. ChaCha will neither help nor hinder the work of educators. We teachers are more important than politicians.

Q: How can we detach politics from education if Secretary Jesli Lapus himself is a politician?

A: Secretaries Raul Roco and Butch Abad were also politicians. Both enjoyed the full trust of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who appointed them, and both eventually went against her. Watch what Lapus does as he starts to fully understand the problems of DepEd and realizes who is really to blame for the problems of education in our country.

Q: Do you think “The Cask of Amontillado” (by Edgar Allan Poe) will feed our students the sinister thought of getting away with murder?

A: That is why this story should not be taught before second or third year high school. It cannot be taught in college, because it is too simple, but it has to be taught. After all, it is one of the best short stories ever written by an American. As for getting away with murder, you can always point out that, fifty years after the crime, the murderer in the story is still troubled by his conscience. That kind of living hell nobody will want.

Q: What is your stand on sex education?

A: The term “sex education” is unfortunate, because DepEd does not educate students about how to have sex, but about health, hygiene, medicine, anatomy, society, morality, marriage, responsibility, and all kinds of other things important to the survival of the human race.

Q: Poor comprehension in English is one of the factors why students fail to solve math problems.

A: That happens only when the math problems are in English, but give students the problems in their own language and see their math scores improve dramatically.

Q: Is it okay to blame primary teachers if incoming secondary students can’t read and comprehend?

A: Unfortunately for primary teachers, there is no one else to blame. That is why non-readers should not be allowed to graduate from grade school. Keep them in Grade 2 until they learn how to read.

Q: What shall we do if we have non-readers as students in first year high school?

A: Since you cannot send them back to Grade 2, give them special remedial classes after class hours and during summer. And don’t send them on to second year high school. Let them stay in first year until they learn how to read.

[Published in The Philippine Star.]

"Hindi Ko Uto-Uto" Movement

“Hindi Ako Uto-Uto” Movement aims to encourage all Filipino voters to be more discerning in scrutinizing politicians who will run in the 2010 elections.

The discerning voter:... Read More

1. is able to see beyond pandering political statements

2. will ignore politicians who do nothing but criticize other politicians to make themselves appear better

3. will avoid all variety shows masquerading as campaign sorties

4. will not accept gifts whether in cash or in kind from politicians

5. will not be content with campaign promises not backed by well thought out, detailed, and clear plans of action

6. will not support candidates who will run their campaign on the strength of song and dance numbers, pageantry and statements pandering to the public’s anger

7. will vilify political ads that offer nothing but motherhood, feel-good statements

8. will support only candidates who are able to provide well thought out and clear platforms or plans for the country

9. will demand from all candidates a clear plan of action to fight government corruption

“Hindi Ako Uto-Uto” Movement believes that by observing the aforementioned ideas the voting public will be able to force political candidates to raise the level of campaigning in this country.

There is no need to sign up with any group to be part of this movement. Just put the ideas stated above into action.